dad imaged
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My dad doesn’t like me.  I know he loves me— but like me—not so much.  No, this is not a conclusion that I have come to based on the current state of our relationship.  He actually said it.  He doesn’t like me.

My parents weren’t married, but my dad was always in my life.  When they broke up, no court ordered child support or visitation was necessary.  We spent just about every weekend together.  Summers were the best.  We built sand castles at the Jersey shore while our skin fried in suntan oil.  We played tennis in the park.  We rode roller coasters and ate ice cream at Six Flags.  I was always sad when it was time to go home.

My dad was my world.  No one could tell me he wasn’t the coolest man on the planet. He wore the latest fashions, listened to latest music and drove the latest car.  I remember when the show Knight Rider was wildly popular in the 80’s and my dad came to pick me up from school in his brand new Datsun 280ZX—one of the first cars that could talk.  I was queen of the playground for the rest of that week!  If you saw him walking down the street right now, I guarantee he would have on a neatly pressed shirt and a sharp crease in his pants.

When he started a new relationship with the woman who eventually became his wife, things started to change.  I found myself spending more time with her children and less time with him.  Even though I continued to visit him regularly, he seemed to become less interested in me.  He was there, but he was no longer present.  Over the years, we experienced the growing pains that come with blending a family.  They took their toll on all of us.  At some point, I guess he felt like he had to choose between her and me.  So he chose her.  The woman who took me along for rides that she took with men that were not my father (and yes he knew).  The woman who would eat a slice of pizza in front of me and her 2 daughters as we salivated over crust that we would have to share.  The woman who had me spend most of my weekend visit cleaning a house that I didn’t even live in.  He chose her.

By the time I went away to college, we had totally drifted apart.  We kept in touch, but the calls and visits became more sporadic.  And when we did talk, the conversation was strained. I didn’t take it personally.  He was never a man of many words and by now, he didn’t talk to the rest of the family that often either.  Once my daughter, his first grandchild, was born I thought things might change.  They didn’t.  Still, I didn’t take it personally.  That’s just who he is, I told myself.  When my daughter started talking she called him grandfather, as she saw him so rarely, she needed to be reminded of who he was.  That’s still how she indifferently identifies him.  Grandfather.

When I found out that my dad said he didn’t like me, there was no major meltdown.  I didn’t even cry.  Instead, it was like a light came on.  I felt relieved.  I felt closure.  For so many years, I never considered that his lack of interest in my life was about me.  In my mind, I had decided that his life had simply led him down a path that didn’t leave much room for me and my family.  That’s why I never took it personally, and as strange as it may sound, I had actually made peace with it.  Or maybe I had become numb to it.  Only to find out that it was personal, it was about me.  He didn’t like the woman that I had become.  The more I thought about it, the more I told myself that it was okay, I’m okay.  He doesn’t have to like me.  I like myself enough for the both of us.  I know that who and what I am is not determined by him or his opinion of me.  I don’t need his approval.  He does not hold the piece of me that makes me whole.  I am proud of what I have accomplished with and without his support.

I never had a conversation with him about what he said.  Having this sort of conversation with your parents is pointless.  They never remember things the way you do, they won’t acknowledge your feelings or your pain, they get defensive, and they will no doubt say “I did the best I could” at some point during the conversation.  So there will be no epic movie moment where I shout through my tears, “How come you never told me that you are proud of me?”   To which he responds, “Don’t you know that already?  I did the best that I could to let you know how much I love you. You have made me more proud than you will ever know!”  in dramatic fashion.  Cut to the next scene of him playing catch in the backyard with my daughter as I watch smiling from the kitchen window.  And scene.  Ain’t gonna happen.  And I’m okay with that.

My dad is not perfect.  He has made mistakes.  Who hasn’t?  But rather than hold him to who I think he should be, I accept him for who he is.  Rather than judge him for being what most would consider a crappy dad, I reflect on his successes and his struggles to try to better understand him.  I remember all that he is rather than what he is not.  I think about all of those fun summers we had.

So I don’t get sad when my daughter and I don’t get calls on our birthdays, or I don’t get a card on mother’s day, or when he misses a scheduled visit when I’m in town.  I’ll still call on Father’s Day.  We’ll have our usual strained chat.  I’ll tell him I love him.  Because I still do and always will.

16 comments on “Between Us: My Dad Doesn’t Like Me”

  1. You are a good person to feel this way. I have issues with both my parents and with Father’s Day coming up, I find it obligatory and not enjoyable at all. My dad doesn’t even know me and I’m 55. I’m sure he did the best he could. That’s all I think about.

  2. Reblogged this on My So Called Glamorous Life and commented:
    One of my favorite bloggers, Simone over at Life Inspired has written a very lovely and honest piece about her relationship with her own father. I found this to be really beautiful, although not exactly what one might expect. A reminder that parent/child relationships are not perfect, but they are ours to own. Thanks for sharing Simone.

  3. As I read your post “Father’s Day Blues,” I was blown away by how similar your story is to mine. I always get the Mothers Day blues. Other than the fact that it is my mother who doesn’t like me and we’ve never spent any special time together, you could be telling my story. I didn’t realize it was ME until I was in my late 30s. Having children didn’t change anything for me either. I don’t think that they will ever acknowledge our feelings or our pain (perhaps because they can’t) either. I never talked about any of this until about a year ago, when I started writing a memoir about my experience of living with rejection. God bless you for sharing. It helps to know that there are others who have experienced this special kind of pain.

  4. My situation was pretty similar. I always said my Dad would have been happier if I’d been a cocker spaniel and I think that was totally right. He had not the slightest clue about children, nor the slightest interest in them. What can you do? But I think it does affect you in some profound ways. I think when people who are supposed to love you, don’t love you, it undermines your whole sense of self. I’m in my 50’s now and he is long gone, but I still feel those feelings of inadequacy. I think you just have to find a way to move ahead as best you can and realize that it isn’t a thing to do with you – it’s just something broken about them. #SITSSharefest

  5. It’s the first time I read your blog. You write beautifully. Although I don’t usually have the patience to read long posts, I read all through this one. I think you are very strong and smart. You probably got a lot of love and good education from your mother 😉
    The only thing I didn’t understand is why your father chose to tell you that he didn’t like you. I understand that his honesty was a closure for you, but it still hurts to hear it.
    You’re very very smart that you figured out it’s not your fault. I’m proud of you! 🙂

    • Thanks for the kind words:) He didn’t tell me, but someone very close to me when they were getting on his case about not having a better relationship with me and my daughter. Not sure if he would have ever said it to me though.

  6. Rant time: My own father seems constantly disappointed in me, hates my life choices despite me having a full time job and raising my son, also taking care of my disabled husband. He absolutely adores my son, but won’t even ask how my day went or bother to check in on me unless it’s to further his own interests. When I was a kid said some completely inappropriate things to me that I won’t repeat here. Everyone else in the family enables his bad behavior because they don’t ‘see’ it. I’m his only daughter of six children and he treats the adopted adult child with more respect than me (albeit he likely feels he needs to overcompensate) I’ve made the mistake of trying to go into business with him and found out how big his ego really was./rant
    Your article obviously hit me in the feels, you’re absolutely right that fathers do make a choice between their daughters/children and the new wife. I only hope I can one day find peace in the fact that he really doesn’t care, as you have. It’s still like a knife in the heart. Thank you for beginning this conversation, it doesn’t hurt quite as badly to know others also have to deal with a less than okay father as well.

    • My heart goes out to you. The first step in healing is to talk about it. You just have to constantly remind yourself that you are happy with your life and your choices. No one else’s opinion matters. Best of luck to you!

  7. You’re amazing. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that my dad is as according to what most people would say, a crappy dad. I’m so painfully insecure and not sure how to deal with all the pain. If I did not fear Hell I would kill myself. How am I supposed to live a life like this? I don’t think a husband is the solution, I’m a problem, I really am.
    When I am old enough to support myself, as I am just 15, I think I’ll get therapy.. And I’ll never marry a man who is not a good father.. of course I can’t prevent it but if I find out I will divorce. I secretly am angry that my mum hasn’t divorced him yet.
    I always feel so unloved and undeserving, and if I like someone, I become too dependent and my whole world depends on them. I become clingey, in other words. That’s why I deter anyone and am not capable of beinfg loved. I’m 15 btw.

    • You are capable of being loved! You are perfect just as you are. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but things will get better. Try to stay positive and please talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling so you can get the help that you need. Also try writing in a journal. Getting your feelings out on paper really helps. God bless!

  8. my dad said he didn’t like me, too. my story is similar to yours. but i believe my father suffered from mental issues, including hating his mother and his siblings. he also had drinking problems and went thru a divorce. i think he got really paranoid after the divorce and when everyone started trashing me behind my back he joined the club (i was supposedly his favorite and they were jealous). i really think that he was a one dimensional spoiled brat who could not empathize with other people and would never get parent of the year. i thought the world of him and i really like the fact that i never lost sight of my love for him. my love is priceless and a good thing and i will never compromise it. it is just too bad that in this life he wasn’t able to receive it. he is with God now and hopefully has seen the light.

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