The Summer Sex Challenge is almost over…but not before we talk about the big O! Our expert, certified clinical sexologist, sex therapist, author, and speaker Dr. TaMara Griffin, has answers to all the questions you’ve always wanted to know—and some you didn’t even know you had—about how to have your best orgasm yet! All I’m sayin is…be prepared to have your mind blown!
I’ll be honest and tell you that my conversation with Dr. TaMara was quite an education! I guess I was just surprised to find how just how much I didn’t know about orgasms and the various phases that your body goes through during sex. And even if you happen to have more knowledge than me, I guarantee that you are still about to learn something new.
Here are 10 secrets to the best orgasm ever…
1. The sexual response cycle
Dr. TaMara says that the first step to having bigger and better orgasms is understanding the 4 phases your body goes through while you are having sex—the female sexual response cycle:
- Excitement Phase—You start to become aroused through foreplay (kissing, touching, etc.) or visual stimulation (reading or watching something erotic). Your heart starts to race and blood starts to flow to the genital area.
- Plateau Phase—This phase is right before the peak of sexual excitement. Your heart rate increases and you continue to build on the excitement. Depending on how focused you are and your position, it can peak and fall several times, causing you to be able to stay in this phase for a long time.
- Orgasm Phase—You experience involuntary contraction of muscles. The blood that has built up in the genital area is dispersed back into the body causing you to feel a release.
- Resolution Phase—Your body relaxes and returns to its normal state.
In addition to the above, men also experience a refractory phase. This is the recovery time that they need before blood will move back to the penis enabling them to sustain an erection. Depending on the man, it can last a few minutes to a few days.
2. There are different types of orgasms
Please tell me I’m not the only one that didn’t know that there was more than one type of orgasm?! I asked a few of my friends and most of them knew about at least 2 types. But Dr. Tamara named 7 different types. They are:
- Clitoral Orgasm—What most women usually experience and the most powerful
- G-spot Orgasm—Also very powerful and can cause female ejaculation, also known as “squirting”
- Vaginal Orgasm—Can happen in unison with clitoral orgasm
- Anal Orgasm—Achieved through anal stimulation
- Sequential Orgasm—Several back-to-back orgasms within a brief period of time (as little as a few seconds)
- Multiple Orgasms—More than one orgasm within a short period of time (perhaps a few minutes)
- Full Body Orgasm—Usually achieved when practicing tantric sex
I did some research and shut the front door! This article that claims there are as many as 12 types! While I was perfectly happy having the one type I knew about, now I’m a woman on a mission:)
3. How to experience different types of orgasms
Now that you know that there is a list of different orgasms you might not have known about (you’re welcome!), what can you do to experience them? Just being aware that there are other types can increase your chances of having one (or several) of them.
TRY THIS: Dr. TaMara suggests you educate yourself about the different types of orgasms and what common feelings are associated with them. For example, if you have every felt like you were about to pee on yourself during sex, you might have been about to have a G-spot orgasm. Dr. TaMara explains, “You stop yourself from that type of orgasm because you thinks you’re about to urinate and who wants to urinate in bed?” And because you stop, you don’t get to totally experience it or feel that pleasure. Dr. TaMara also says you need to stay present in the moment. “The more present you are, the more you allow yourself to experience these different types of sensations, the more likely you are to have an orgasm.”
4. You can have an orgasm without even knowing it
You might have experienced several different orgasms on the list and not even have realized it! But how is that possible? Each type of orgasm can feel different. “A woman thinks once she has the clitoral orgasm that that’s it,” explains Dr. TaMara. “But prior to that, she might have experienced a G-spot orgasm which feels very different.” Dr. TaMara says that the key to being aware of your orgasm is understanding your body and the sex cycle referenced above. “It’s so important that a woman is in tune with her body and understands how she moves, ebbs, and flows throughout the sex cycle so when she knows that she’s feeling that tense sensation, she can pull back and switch to another type of stimulation,” says Dr. TaMara. “So that when she has that clitoral orgasm it’s really, really big.”
5. You are in charge of your orgasm
Most women believe that their sexual satisfaction is tied into whether or not they orgasm. If that’s true, then you should not rely solely on someone else to make it happen. Man or woman, orgasm or not, Dr. TaMara says you are in charge of your own sexual pleasure. “We set ourselves and our partners up for failure because we go into relationships thinking they should know how to please us. But what worked for you before might not work with me,” says Dr. TaMara. In line with all of our experts, Dr. TaMara believes that it’s important that we communicate our wants, needs, and desires to our partners. “You have to be able to say this is what turns me on, this is how I orgasm. You have to be an active participant in your sex life.”
6. Your orgasm gets better as you get older
Yes! Your orgasm is one of those things that just gets better with time. Dr. TaMara says it’s because as we get older, we lose our inhibitions and gain sexual experience and confidence. “As you get older you start to learn, you start to find out that there are different types of orgasms and different positions,” explains Dr. TaMara. “You start to know who you are, you start to know your sexual turn-ons and you’re able to better communicate them to your partner.”
7. You can control your orgasm (and his!)
Dr. TaMara says if you are in tune with your body it is possible to control your orgasm. You can delay orgasm by shifting your thoughts away from it, stopping, starting a different type of stimulation, or going back to foreplay. Your partner can delay his orgasm by using some of the same techniques.
TRY THIS: In addition to the above, Dr. TaMara says, “Right before his ejaculation, his testicles will draw closer to his body. So if you or he gentle pulls the them back down, it will help him control his ejaculation.”
8. Why you might not be having an orgasm
If you have trouble reaching orgasm, you are not alone. Studies have shown that as many as 1 in 3 women having trouble reaching orgasm—and 80% of women need more than intercourse alone to get there! According to Dr. TaMara there are several reasons why this could be happening:
- You’re trying to too hard—Dr. TaMara says that having goal-oriented sex is a surefire way to miss your orgasm. “When you’re so caught up in trying to reach your goal of having an orgasm, often times you miss it,” says Dr. TaMara.
- You don’t know your body—It’s hard to tell your partner what turns you on when you haven’t explored your own body. Dr. TaMara suggests that you take time to review your own anatomy and become intimately acquainted with what feels good to you. “Typically, women have been taught that we can’t touch ourselves and if we experience any pleasure we are bad girls,” say Dr. TaMara. “We have to give ourselves permission to say it’s ok to experience pleasure and touch our own bodies.”
- You have a spiritual conflict—If you have been raised to believe that sex and cohabitating before marriage is wrong and you are living a life that conflicts with that, it can create a barrier. “So even if I love you and we might get married one day, having sex with you could still be an issue,” says Dr. TaMara. “It might feel good, but I might not orgasm because in the back of my mind, I’m in direct spiritual conflict.” (WOW!)
- You’ve romanticized it—In your quest to have an earth-shattering orgasm like they do in the movies, you can create a roadblock in your mind. “When you try to experience the ultimate orgasm, you miss all the other orgasms along the way,” explains Dr. TaMara. “Because you’re so focused on this big sensation that we’ve been taught (by no fault of our own) that this is what an orgasm should feel like—this big explosive thing—when it doesn’t happen, we think sex is not pleasurable. But all the while it could have been if we were tuned into the moment.”
TRY THIS: Understanding how your body is moving through the sex cycle in the moment can increase your chances of orgasm. Dr. TaMara says a big part of it is going into sex pretty much already at the plateau stage. “Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay is so important, whether it’s physical stimulation prior to intercourse or an all day thing between you and your beloved,” says Dr. TaMara. She also stresses the importance of being fully present and in the moment. “Activating your senses and being in tune to your partner’s touch, the smells, and synchronizing your bodies will help heighten the experience. You can also experiment with other types of stimulation (clitoral, anal, G-spot, etc.) to get your dopamine (the pleasure hormone) flowing, which can ultimately lead to orgasm.
9. Where your G-spot is
It has been said that the G-spot is the key to unlocking your body’s most sensitive erogenous zone. It’s about the size of a nickel and is located about 2 inches inside the front wall of the vagina. Although it can be difficult to locate, Dr. TaMara says that if you move your fingers in a “come here” motion, you should be able to feel a spongy tissue that is a little bit rougher than the surrounding tissue. She also says that it’s easier to locate after you have had one orgasm (in other words, if you had a clitoral orgasm, it will be easier to stimulate the G-spot right after). Most people are fascinated with the G-spot because it provides and intense orgasm and is connected to female ejaculation—also known as squirting. “The fluid comes out of the urethra which is why people think that it’s urine, but it’s not,” explains Dr. TaMara. As far as a G-spot orgasm, Dr. Tamara says that women are more likely to experience it when they are not looking for it to happen.
TRY THIS: To get a visual of the G-spot, check out this fabulous step-by-step beginners guide to finding your G-spot created by one of our experts, Marissa Nelson.
And last but not least…
10. Stop faking it
Ok, so yes…we have all faked it at some point or another. But if you are still doing this, stop it! You will never have the orgasm you desire if you aren’t honest with your partner about what you need to get you there. Dr. TaMara agrees. “You set yourself up for failure because now he thinks this particular move or whatever he’s doing is pleasing you,” says Dr. TaMara. Now you are stuck in this pattern of moaning your way through it because you don’t want to bruise his ego.
TRY THIS: Dr. TaMara suggests that you have a conversation with your partner in a very loving manner to tell them what pleased you. “Men like examples,” says Dr. TaMara. “They want you to tell them what works and that’s what they’re going to do.” Stroke their egos upfront and tell them what you like and what you want. “So you could say, ‘When you did this, this, and this, it really turned me on. But when you do that, I don’t need that as much as I need this,’ “ says Dr. TaMara.
Dr. TaMara told me that her new book, I Am Sex, is full of tips and advice on this topic and much more. It will be available soon, but ou can pre-order it now!
And remember, If you ever have a question that you want to ask me or any of the experts, feel free to post it on my facebook page. If you prefer to remain anonymous, you can email me and I’ll post it on the page so that you can benefit from the experience of the group as well as our experts.